Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Bring them home - poem- should have posted yesteday

In today’s world
In today’s fight
It may be a mother or a brother
a daughter or a son
a lover or a father
or someone out there
with no one
Bring them home
there are no defiance’s
finer then a soldiers
in the night
fighting for his country
and all he believes is right
standing out there proud
while the Ballard of Tisavy plays on
In today’s world
In today’s fight
It may be a mother or a brother
a daughter or a son
a lover or a father
or someone out there
with no one
Bring them home
gun shells
and firefight
the replacement for moon beams
and star light
does she dream
in color
of a place called home
has the lover
replaced the gentle kiss
and soft sighs of surrender
for defending weakened borders
fallen governments and regimes
policing falling rights
and establishing new laws
In today’s world
In today’s fight
It may be a mother or a brother
a daughter or a son
a lover or a father
or someone out there
with no one
Bring them home
Or are they there
looking to defend
a land of beauty
and mortality
thinking what a whore
war is to rape our youth
and innocence
Take from him
a life he hasn’t had
take from her
the brother or the dad
take from none
the love they never had
take from one
a world gone bad
In today’s world
In today’s fight
It may be a mother or a brother
a daughter or a son
a lover or a father
or someone out there
with no one
Bring them home
a world gone bad
and for what outcome
for a solider to steal a chance
to watch TV or visit his local home page
and read of the violence and ugly
of America abused by Americans
Does a tear fall from a soldiers eye
Being far from home
and watching his country die
gangs, obesity, preventable deaths
does he fall unsung , a hero less death
because America is selfish
and should be full of shame
a windows look at our hero's hall of fame
In today’s world
In today’s fight
It may be a mother or a brother
a daughter or a son
a lover or a father
or someone out there
with no one
Bring them home

Monday, May 30, 2005

-where do you think your going?-

There are simple things in life that you forget to remember. Like how your infants toes feel like pearls when you ran your finger over them. And how that feeling only last for just so long and then the tiny pearls become actual toes. Then the tiny toes become a person.

I remember the day I left NY. There was a billboard that was black with white lowercase letters. it said "-where do you think your going?-god" And though I don’t practice religion I do believe in a God or a Higher being. I answered that question for the last 7 years. My purgatory? My first response was:

"To get my life back together." and by the time I reached Georgia my answer was "To learn how to forgive." and if I were to say today it would be "To be a better person." or "To expose the people that did this to me"

I read a quote and I believe it was from Kathern Hepburn, "You are not a good writer until you start to remember." and I also believe I have started to remember my life.

I say that based on something "Hoot" posted. His comment was "I uselessly died. " I died the day I left NY. I have died everyday sense I left NY. The same kind of death as my "internal spontaneous combustion" the day we left California. Nobody wants me.

I have always said if I had the monetary means, I’d move back to California. But now, the state I’ve managed to let myself become, I don’t think California would want me.

I think it is time to stop the daily death and become one with myself again. I am so broken. I am so unsatisfied. The perverable "Hollow Tree". I fear I am "Beyond Repair". I don’t know how to get back to the place where "Something went wrong" and I don’t know where to start. But I do know that when I find my "Shattered Parallel" I will know it.

For the record I do not suffer from Bi-polar. I suffer from a disease much much much worse. A disease that is suppose to be temporary. In 1997 my mind Imploded upon itself. I pick through the left over fractions on a daily basis. Trying to put them back together like a puzzle. I won’t say I was catatonic. But I did co-exist in a world that people, living breathing people, inhabit.

The day in 1997 when I saw the billboard, I made a vow. I was never going to make a new friend, I was never going to date again; and it almost worked. I let a few people in over the years. Everyone I let in disappointed me. Real people are unstable. Real people are like rabid raccoons. They are horrible. They are awful. They pray upon what little existence of life that you offer and then they leave.

I can’t remember the name of my disease. I think they called it Post Tramatic Stress Syndrome, but I choose to ignore the doctor and laugh him off as insane. It has to do with suffering an extreme situation and living through it but being "haunted" by it. Where you all but completely shut down. Catatonic is a part of it, depression can be a factor of it.

I don’t want to be a victim any more. I will write "The Hollow Tree" and get it published. I will shame the family that shunned me because my mother felt that she was to young to be a grandmother. I will place the given blame on Brian. What is due to him, no more, no less. There will be no innocent victims in my story.

So, prepare yourselves. My purgatory is over and the my day of reckoning is now upon us.

god wanted to know where I was going. Well I can’t say hell, I’ve already been there. I can’t say heaven, because I am done dying every night and living in my dream. I can say this. I am going home. And home may not like it. I hold my fist full of hate and anger and vengeance. Mother be prepared. Your about to be exposed. You are the nasty snay. Your the cunt. The fork tonged wench. Your words. Hold them dear, they are about to come back and bite you in the ass.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

I am a goat

December 21 - January 19
Spiritual studies might induce a powerful desire for meditation, or even a retreat, dear Capricorn. You might even consider leaving town for awhile in order to reflect on certain matters without any distractions from usual routine matters. This is actually a great idea. You have a lot on your mind, and you need to be thoroughly focused on whatever decisions you may need to make. You also need to retreat from the decisions. Go to it!

Why do I get horoscopes like that when :
a) I actually do want to leave town
b) I don't feel safe making decisions today
c) right before my period
d) Is it contridicting itself by saying to leave town but to retreat from decision making? You'd have to make the decision to leave town, no?
e) Would it be possible to "mentally leave town"? Like take a vacation from your mind?
f) watched part one of the new HBO series last night... "Empire Falls", they adapted it from a book and Ed Harris, Robin Wright Penn, Paul Newman, Bob Newwarks wife, Adian Quinn, and Helen Hunt are a few to star in it. It was fantastic. I don't know if it was the story line that was so captivating or the way the actors are playing the characters in the story line.
-I forgot how beautiful Robin is. Why the hell don't she do more movies? The same with Helen Hunt. They really would give the fresh group of Hollywood A-listers a major run for their money.
-On that note, I can't wait to get Spanglish. Tea Leoni (sp) is also in the list of my fav female actors that you don't get to see enough of. But damnit, why do they all have to be blonds? I think Tea could pull off being a red-head... I wonder if I could convince her of that via a fan letter! HA HA. I'm to old to write fan letters but it was a thought.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

topic's i am currently researching for posts

Jason Lee- banky edwards
elliot smith
Black flag
John Martyn
Nick Drake "Pink Moon" VW comercial
folk music in general

no apparant reason

I've got something to say today and no way to say it. Well, no nice way to say it. We live pretty far out in the country. I always just took it for granted that there was none of the "Keeping up with the Jones" sort of thing going on. We've had a pool every year we have lived here and every year we've invited the two other homes in the neighborhood that have children, to feel free to come and use it. Not once has anyone taken us up on that Idea.

The Menonites (whom really, it is against their religion) are the biggest fakes and frauds on our little country lane. They have five children, perhaps more by now. I've been very nice to Laura only to find out she BAD mouths my family and I behind our backs. Cunt. I've let her kids ride my horses, made a point when riding to stop so her oldest girl can pet the horse (EM loves horses) and gone insofar as to saddle up when unexpected visits came our way and lead strange kids around the round pen. All at the cost of being a good neighbor. Well she got a pool this year. I have to stop and wonder why. She told me the reason her children were not allowed to use our pool was because of the issue with bathing suits and the girls. Well how are they going to swim in their own pool?

To top that off, my daughter is not allowed to socialize with her children because I'm not Christian enough. Well, you got me there. I was raised Irish Catholic. I think that is pretty GODDLY of me. So, her husband comes by today (the same husband that remodeled her kitchen and bathroom, put two additions on the house and a deck) to borrow a pipe wrench. Hmmm. I never knew of a Man that didn't have a pipe wrench (AKA MONKEY WRENCH). So, we look for any number of ours. Mind you we have a tool shed and an addition with tools in it, also another home with tools in it. About 45 minutes later we find ours. *sigh*

The other neighbor with kids I dislike. She is worse then any fair weather friend you could have. She also bought a pool this year. Her excuse for not letting her kids come swim was that they don't know how to swim and nor does she. So, explain to me please. Someone. Why would you put a pool in your yard if no one in the home can swim? Why not take them to the neighbors house (who can swim) and let them be SAFELY supervised? I guess I don't really dislike the woman. I just don't understand her. She comes over late at night because one of the boys cut himself and she didnt have bandaids or peroxide. A house with two boys and no FIRST AID kit?

I am gonna edit this and add some to it in a minute. Have to go outside.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Behind the Keyboard - dug up for Hoot

Do you remember sitting in a chatroom, watching people chat, or even chatting yourself? Do you remember receiving so many forwards that your mailbox was ready to explode? How about receiving an email from someone just searching for a friend. Did you wonder who these people might be that are behind the keyboard?

Online we meet new people from all around the world. Some we chat with just once and then we go on. Others we chat with time and time again, and a friendship is made. Others become our email buddies, and we look forward to their emails each day, but have you ever really wondered who was really behind the keyboard?

So often we meet a friend in chat we stay up all night chatting, sometimes we laugh so hard we cannot type, other times we cry and our keyboards are stained from tears. We chat about our lives and help solve each others' problems, we lend a shoulder if we can. Did you ever think to yourself, who is really behind that keyboard?

Did you ever chat with someone that promised you the world and that your friendship will be forever, and then they are gone? Do you forget about them and move on, or do you wonder "who was that person really, that was behind the keyboard?

Have you ever hid behind your keyboard, pretending to be something you are not, just to boost your ego? As you sat there and typed have you ever lied, thinking "who cares, the person behind the keyboard, it is only a fake person?" Did you ever hurt someone thinking "it's only a game"?

Well, behind each and every keyboard are very real people, some might be heartless cold people, not caring who they hurt, but then there are people that are caring, loyal, honest and all kinds of people hoping for some companionship online.

Behind the keyboard can be someone who is seriously depressed and their only hope is to make a friend, maybe an aging person who once had a family, but now they live too far apart to see one another, perhaps there is someone that cannot walk anymore or a person so ill they are in the house forever.

As we enter the world of the internet we should remember, it is a very real world and behind each and every keyboard is a person who has a heart. No one has a life that is pain free, so as we go online whether in chat or just emailing, we must remember to treat each person the way the we want to be treated, to respect each others' feelings, and to offer friendship, because the truth is we really do not know who is behind the keyboard or what kind of hurt someone may be feeling. To be the best to others that you can be should be the "key" to a good, honest life.

selfish me

There is a brand of soap here called Pure Springs. The soap is expensive as soap goes, $4.99 a bar, so, I don't buy it only if I want to spoil myself. Well they had a 4 pack of 4 different scents on sale at the drug store for $9.99 . I bought it. Man I am selfish! But the stuff leaves your skin soft and smelling great! Oh and it works great at cleaning also! Scents in this package are ; SOY, Pomigraniate, Milk, and Cirtrus. Don't cringe at the Milk scent. It actually smells like ... lemon creame yogurt and not MILK. Now all I need is the gel eye mask to sleep with at night and the back brush. I miss my back brush.

Oh and 6 tons of sand so I can put the pool up. A car. A life. A job.

But I will take the back brush!

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Thanks, Neener, and for the guys..

Thanks Hoot! Looks fantastic!

Neener Neener Neener to Nypinta..... Just cuz!

hey guys I found this site here .... they sent me a catalog actually but they got some really neat men things in there... NOW I know where to shop!


Kiddy Leashes thanks TRINAMICK

http://trinamick.blogspot.com/, first that is the blog addy for TM.

Second I want to comment on that longer then I previously posted at her blog. I humbled myself to go on a vacation with my ex for molly's sake. Ha. We went to the renaissance Fest in NC, went to a nascar race in NC,, and also toured Hershey Pa, there were other stops along the way, but those were the key issues where my child was RESTRAINED. At the race we tied a scarf to my daughter wrist and mine. That worked great. Gave her "roaming" room and gave me the piece of mind of NOT having to be one of the parents that were screaming and yelling at their kids to stay close. At the Fest I spied the dog's harness and leash under one of the seats in my van. I figured that would give her more room to roam and leave her hands free to pick up stuff like ABC gum and other things kids love to stick in their mouths. A few adjustments to the harness and PRESTO. I turned her loose. My child did not get lost (they had a few locations on the 6 acre fest for lost children to go or be turned into and all of them were just STACKED with crying kids) she did not get stolen, she did not cry, she wasn't yelled and screamed at; in fact she had a BLAST, she socialized with strangers, had her face painted, tried a deep fried turkey leg from a stranger, ate, drank, touched played etc so on and forth. She loved her independence so, when it was time to go, she lead the way back up the long hill to the car. She walked with her eyes closed! It was hysterical. Her father attempted to pick her up a few times and carry her, this did result in crying... No no let me walk. LOL. We did and about to the gate she asked me to carry her. Of course I carried her, two parking lots over to the van (Jane Fonda I got your work out beat!) ,

But then to touch base back with a note from NYPINTA. That was the last time a stranger touched Molly in public. I think being patted on the head started this wired thing she still does to this day. A stranger can look at her and speak to her from a distance. BUT. If they get to close to her she will start to scream (at the TOP of her LUNGS) "GET AWAY FROM ME< DON"T TOUCH ME< LEAVE ME ALONE) and I get a lot of slack from that from strangers, like, arn't you gonna discipline her? no, i'd rather you didnt touch her either. But who am I , just a mom.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Rubber Duck and Mirror Posted by Hello

Rubber Ducky Your the One

I got in the mail today the rubber ducky border paper I've been waiting for. YEA. WOOO HOOO. I am gonna post pic's later. We put it up in the center of the wall. Goes great with the duck rug and shower curtin, um and soap holder and toothbrush holder... lol. Yes I even painted the upper half of the walls rubber ducky yellow. Who me, insane? I think not!

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Breakfast at 760 calories

after reading this http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7857151/site/newsweek/?GT1=6542 I had to quaf. IF I ATE a breakfast that was 760 calories.... it would be roll jenn down the street. Honest to god. That is BK's new marketing scheem? Good grief. But for what it matters, Mc'd's ad for the salads and the now fruit salad makes me sick. Who want's salad that was prepared at a hot greasy joint, C'mon, it's gonna taste like shit... or... not like something I really want to eat.

What ever happened to juice bars? health food stores? i think now would be a great time for them to make a come back, hell they can even sell starbucks decaf coffee.

Cute I have 69 emails all from Ming... ha ha Posted by Hello

Berry Picking

Went black berry picking today. YUM YUM. I have about 3 acres of wild blackberries and the majority of them are not ripe. DAMN it. I am thinking of digging up the small blackberry bushes and transplanting them here at the house. Give them a trelious or something of that nature to climb and water them on a daily basis so we get them big fat black thumble berries. SOUND good or what? Ok who is gonna come dig for me?

Monday, May 23, 2005

Test your right foot

How Smart is Your Right Foot?

It's really true......I tried and tried!! Do you know why??

How smart is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying

at many more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make
clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so......... And there's nothing you can do about it!

an intresting fact

Did you know that when you are remembering something you psychologically look to the right and if you are being creative or "lying" you look to the left?

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Hellcat-vs- snapper Posted by Hello

redneck hoove - also a edit to a prior post Posted by Hello

the rainbow - deleted off of prior post sent thru blogger bot Posted by Hello

the tooth Posted by Hello

Ewwwww Yuck

I am not sure if I should report this or if it is just an obscured happening. A few weeks ago we spread the weed and seed stuff on the lawn to kill off the damn pricker weeds. GRRR. Well, the lawn being at a stage where it is still mostly dead... I was cleaning around the area we put the pool up in. You know taking misc stones, sticks and etc out of the sand lot to prep it for new sand. In the border where the sand meets the lawn... I found what looks like a molar tooth. A rather large molar.

First reaction was to put the pincher on all three horses and check their teeth. Rather scarey thing to do, considering their teeth are A LOT bigger and extend further back in the mouth then I'd expected. Well no one was missing a tooth. So, the question remains, did it come out of the soil via natural land errorison or was it something I missed last year in the sand delivery? Do I get athoritys involved or just hold the tooth as a bizare trophy? I did contact the vet and he said he would do a go behind check on the horses teeth when he comes next month for their shots.

Friday, May 20, 2005


As said eariler today we had some major storms, However there was an intresting reprive. We got a rainbow. It was Molly's first rainbow. But me. I can't explain it. I walked out into the kitchen and saw it out of the corner of my eye and YELLED... "here..here..c'mere...quick.." and I grabbed the camera and went running out the door. Molly.. very put out that she did not have time to put her slippers or flip flops on... came outside to stand barefoot in a puddle and looking at me as if I were out of my mind. I told her to look and pointed. The puddle was forgotten about. We staired in awe or wonderment. And now I got that song "somewhere over the rainbow" stuck in my head, the more current version of it that was in some movie I saw not to long ago, but long enough that I can't remember the damn movie. anyway there are three shot's of it at my photobucket site and here is one.... look above I removed the pic and posted via blogger bot.

just a little rain

20% chance of pm thunderstorms. well it went like this.
Wind's came in strong enough to bend the top tree branches to the groud... Molly yell's "MOMMIE the birds lost their home.. and then the big tears well in her eyes and she says I guess my kitty is gonna get dead now" so we all go and look out the window JUST in time to see the rain front move it ... which was like someone throwing buckets of water on the windows. THEN the thunder lightening and oh did I mention HAIL?

clink clink clink

Upon looking out the windows we notice the three ... not so intelligent ... horses stand statue still. We wait a few minutes... well ok, we are doing the mad dash around the house shutting windows and calling dogs in ,... turning anything and everything off... then decide to try to cohorice te horses into the barn... seeing the barn is open and they are tooo fucking stupid to move on their own... anyway it took a few minutes but they came in.

It is possible to "tiptoe between the raindrops" i did it in my mad dash to the barn. it was bizarre. like i could see this horizontal tunnel ... i got just a few drops on me. FUCKED up.

so that is what u get with a 20% chance of storms. GRRR. got to run, thundering again! blah

Thursday, May 19, 2005

So ya know

We are going to be making the next step in this room. The way it is talked about it will be today. Which means perhaps within the next year. But anyway if we take the next step it will mean the power and the phone will be out. We need to move the phone wire. Also, we need to kill the power so we can tie the last wall into the power box. So I don't know how long I will be offline. Maybe just one day (yea right) maybe longer (SIGH).

Which is cool. I didn't see anything at the askew site to commet on. They are all talking about Episode III which I really don't have that much intrest in. YES I do watch the movies but I'm not all hyped up about them. I enjoy them but I am not an obscured fan like everyone is posting and blogging about. So, WHAT better time to kill the power? I don't have a thread at my faviorte site to read!

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

really cool pic I took yesterday, don't mind the date, camera is fucked up again Posted by Hello

Just Annoy Me

Today is one of them days. I woke up irrate today. Everything and everybody has managed to annoy me at some point today. Even the animals. Tell me, what is the point of standing in front of the lawn mower when you have it in 6th gear and the idle up??? So above mowing the 5 acres of lawn, I had to constantly yell at the damn dogs.

But I know why I am annoyed and that just pisses me off all the more. I realized last night (well before last night but it really bothered me in the shower last night) that I have always liked things becasue someone else has first and recomended it to me or shoved it down my throat. Well heavy metal was a given. I was heading that way considering I already listened to the likes of the more infamous PUNK groups. So, I don't push blame on anyone for the music. Although I did listen to a lot of Classical/jazz/big band when no one was around. I could just write really good to that stuff. *sigh*

So, I am trying to find me now. It has only taken me 33 years to admit there is no me. I am just a being created by everyone else's influence. I write because everyone tried to mold me as a writer. Your so creative you should do something with that. Except for Mrs Hester, my high school art teacher, she said your art is awsome. And got scouts down from SCAD to see me. I daily kick myself in the ass for not persuing that. Why? My art was not all that great but it gave me passion and that is what I lack today.

I lack passion. I used to be really passionate about a lot of things. Things I felt had a cause. My causes. I had causes. I didn't voice them much, but they were there. I had feelings. I didn't show them much, but again they were there. Now? What is my cause? What am I fighting for? I have no causes. I lack passion. I think that is why my writing has taken a downward spiral. I lack the ability to love. I lack the ability to allow someone to love me.

Listening to "Pepper" by butthole sufers right now. "...You never know exactally how you look through other peoples eyes..." really the song is very deep. Another deep song I head this weekend was by Josh Turner "Long Black Train" It is a country song but damn he has some issues in that song, or more exactially he is touching on the fragile human emotion called weakness. But his VOICE... wow... sexy!

Below you will see a picture i took of the sky yesterday. i thought it looked pretty cool. click on the link below my profile "what I really see" and that will take you to my photobucket where I will be sending a few pictures of the air out here for you all to enjoy.

Monday, May 16, 2005

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... update on Freckles

You might be a redneck if....
your horse is gimping a 3 legged walk in the field becasue his sore foot is wrapped in a sock full of ebsom salts which is DUCKTAPPED to his foot. WELL. IT is the only thing mr fucker can't get off.

Anyone following FRECK's foot, just want all to know the abcess started to blow out on Friday. EBSOM salt's rule. LOL. Mostly I am leaving a sock (peds) on his foot full of EBSOM salts. But I am also soaking his foot twice a day in EBSOM and warm water. Poor boy. Also on Thursday a friend of mine suggested a Witch Hazel soak. I poured half a bottle in some warm water on thrusday pm and soaked his foot while he ate. Did it finally break on Friday via time or was it encouraged by the Witch Hazel? Or a combo of salts, hazel, TLC and time? ANYWAY ... himmie is walking great today, slight gimp but not the flat out three legged hop he was doing. Notice the sympathetic Comanche at his side... damn got her teasing him... neener neener neener... I don't have a redneck hoove
Edit.. pic posted above.

uga uga

some people have one of them days, others have one of them weeks, me... I'm having one of them lives. lol. Yesterday we spent the day moving stuff to get to the sheet rock. then moving stuff into my room so we could cut and measure sheet rock. then the nitty gritty of measuring the uneven edge in my room and cutting and re-cutting, nailing and measuring etc so on and forth. We got the 4.5 inch to 5 7/8 gap flush now from the top of the sheet rock to the ceiling. Today we started bright and earily with the muddin n tappin. that went relatively quickly. I HAVE WALL"S. woohoo. ok well. Almost 3 walls. GRRR. There is 3 feet on one wall that needs to be finished but we have to rip apart the back wall to finish the other wall... to get to the wiring so more then half of my room has power. *SIGH*

Finally listening to a CD nypinta bought for me about five years ago. Dexter Freebish - music to leave town on. So there you go, my music for the day and my state of mind.

My desk and "stassh" spots are all over my bed. I've got 3 feet high of misc crap on my bed. Been forced to sleep on the daybed for the last two days.

I will give you the highlight of the weekend. Teaching munckin to use a hammer and nail. I showed her how to hammer a nail into a scrap piece of sheetrock. She then went out on her own... two feet down the work bench... to build a birdhouse. the birdhouse is 3 pieces of sheet rock nailed togther in a stack with a door drawn on it and on the back side a sceen she made. :) But .. oh the highlight... her first few attempts she bashed her fingers. DID I LAUGH. DAMN right I did. DID she LEARN with the first finger? NO. she got the thumb, the index then the end all middle finger. SHE walked around the rest of the afternoon flipping her middle finger up and going ... I got a boo boo. YA THINK?

Heard a new country group on the GAC channel.... Vansant. I had to stop and think. Almost called NYPINTA for her insight then it kinda all came crashing back to me. ACID ROCKERS gone COUNTRY. wasn't one from lynard skynard and the other from 38 special? At first my head said, oh yea they used to be wrestlers, then I said no the wrestlers were voneric's or something. VANSANT. LOL. I am not really sure how they got on the country venue, as none of them appear country. the music is a little bit like country... but the singing..... i sing better in the shower.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

I just don't understand

I don't understand why I don't have arms like Arnold "Govinator". And a body like... Pam Anderson... I deserve it, Don't I? (only answer's starting with the word YES will be accepted). This unruly thought came upon me when I rode the 4x4 up to the other house to get the crow bar's. *SIGH* I saw a snake skin that is absurdly large. EEEK . And some blackberries ready to pick. SHOULD I dare pick blackberries with a snake skin less then an acre away? Ten yards more like. MIND OVER TUMMY. LOL. I resisted the berries in ANGST. I came home and have tore the siding off of one wall. And JUST broke a sweat. I'm still ready to go. *SIGH* SHE_RAH here I are. more later, they gonna shut down in ten minutes for maintance at blogger. grump.

*edit* Wow... look at all the gramatical errors up there. Painted bathroom. Took siding off of one wall. Struggled with 3 yr old horse to wrap his foot again only to look out five minutes later and see him walking around with the bandaging in his mouth. *SIGH* fucker. I have crow bars and carpenter knifes scatered on my bed as well as cd's and clean clothes. BUT THE BED IS MADE. Rather then sleep there, I think I will sleep in on the couch. Besides it is air conditioned inside and not yet in my room. A FEW MORE DAY'S I hope. Once we finish sealing this room ( we have 1.5 wall's to finish sheet rocking and 1 outlet to wire and 4 window's to trim, the phone line to move and the floor to tile) and I will be living in ac and heat again. LOL. GRRR. The blind's came for my room today.

POOR UPS guy. I really feel bad. SOOOOO bad. I was in the bathroom scraping border paper off of the damn wall. I never heard him pull in the drive way or BEEP his horn. But i did hear the dogs barking and they wouldnt shut up so I went to look. UPS man... in back of his truck with slide door open a crack. Jeter... in the UPS truck sitting very cooly looking out the window and the tacobell dog standing guard at the other door to the truck feet on the bottom step. I feel bad for this particular UPS guy because he is the same one that the horse Comanche got in the truck with 2 years ago. YUP. I'd hide behind that flimsy little door to if I saw any of my animals comming. So, I gave him very deep apologies and accepted the 7 packages. (4 for my room and 3 for the den) He said it wasn't the big dog he was afraid of (this I know, I've caught him giving Jeter "snacks" on other deliveries) it was the little dog.

THE LITTLE DOG HAS A BIG MOUTH BUT NO FUCKING TEETH. You are afraid of a ten year old, 9 pound chew-wal-wa, that is half blind and has no teeth? (don't know how to spell the breed) But not the 130 shep wolf mix? I don't question his intriquity as he looks out at the horses. Freckles hobbling over to see what the comotion is about, Missy flirting (she honors all men with a wink) and the loveable Comanche is standing guard at the gate looking at him. She whinnies. I ask him if he know's the horse. Comanche is the least likely of the horses to be friendly. He claims other then "the time she got in the truck" (crap he named it but his mile high jump that day was fucking hystercial) he'd never seen her other then here. Hmmm. Well she likes him. LOL. He must smell good to her or maybe it is the Itallian look he has?

I am just waiting to see what happens when Hell Cat jumps in his truck. Will he come out with a return to sender stamp on his forehead?

We have had a pretty good friday the 13th. My child is mad at me because she is to short to paint the ceiling. Like that's my fault. But I let her stay up until ten tonight. More out of the worrying mommy mode then out of wanting her up past bed time. She flopped her chair over and bashed her head on the floor. And hour later while playing she was looking over her shoulder at me and talking and *WHAP* walked right into the fridge. Moved the damn thing about a foot to. So I was more keeping her up out of caution then anything else. *SIGH*

Now off to the shower and bed for me. i am tired and i stink and rig-a- mort-tis is setting in. i am to OLD for this shit.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

hmm.. cruel...

I still get the Albany local news on my web page. I was reading the news about a high speed chase starting in Valatie and ending in a firey crash in Schodack. While reading this article I had a brief and vulgar thought, Oh I wonder if that is Brian. Amanda's daddy. Well it wasnt. but the thought was there. Darn. LOL.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

I don't know where to start today

For starters... (good way to start a blog with an entry of not knowing where to start *SIGH)... my head hurts. Not like headache hurt. Like physical pain from doing a fucking wounderful job on myself 2 days ago. Here is what happened... I picked some roses and was "thumbing" the thorns off of them... when hell cat ran over and "pounced" in the smallish pile of thorns. (yea he was blonde in a prior life). So, bent over I am trying to catch the limping cat (bent over looking down) and I walked straight into the arm of the old c-ban satilite dish. It stopped me dead in my tracks. NOW, I've a knot over my right eye and bruising on the right side of my face near the hair line and back into the hair. Shit, I've bruised my hair. It hurt's to shampoo my hair and hurts to brush it. That has got to be hands down the most fucked up injury i've ever sustained. But despite the inital pain and shock (omg did i just do that?) I did catch Hell cat and pull the thorns out of his feet.

Now moving on. My "horror-schope" say's i've got psychic ablilities today. Or rather here is a copy and paste of the "schope"
December 21 - January 19 Today you might discover a previously untapped talent for ESP, mysticism or divine science, dear Capricorn. You could also decide to take up the study of astrology! With your natural business head, you could well make a success of just about any field you try, so if these fields appeal to you as possible careers, give them some thought. You might also think in terms of writing or speaking on these subjects. The future looks bright for you on all levels.
OK, well I did watch "dreamcatcher" last night on TV and had some f-ed up dreams of Jason Lee "Beaver" returning from the dead and posessing "Duddit's" _ well ok, i re-wrote the end of the movie. *sigh*. So, bearing that in mind, I put a horror section in my "Idea File" and wrote out a demi-plot un-related to "Dreamcatcher". And the main character is Jason Lee and the sub-character is Jason Bigg's. But the wierd part is there is a section where "Lee" is attempting to teach "Tracy" (a female character) to stand on her head and kick at something suspended with both of her feet. What Tracy lacks is the ability to balance and hence makes a mess evertime she attempts to do more then the hand stand. Whatever.

And for some reason. (perhaps related to the head injury and the ESP shit in my "schope" I have this URGE to call my mother and BITCH her out. But we all know that I am not about to call my mother. But SHE-RAHH really does need an ASS chewing. *SIGH* I woke up angry with her. Super Mad. Mad about Mom. Ha Ha. Why am I mad at her, other then the pure simple fact it is mother's day and she has "ROBBED" me of MY right to have a mother. To say nothing about robbing my child of her biological grandmother. Her word's still ring so clear in my head. "Why don't you have an abortion, I am just not ready to be a grandmother, I'm to Young." Fuck you you worthless bitch, cunt, whore, druggie, fucking diabetic enhanced due to your fucking alcholozm, cum sucking , stupid snay. If I still lived in NY I'd prolly be in jail because I'd prolly be at her house knocking the fucking shit out of her. Give her the life-style fucking re-arrangment she really needs. The perverbal smack in the fucking face that says, LOOK WOMAN, your FUCKING up.

What I will do is refrain from calling NYPinTa and "whinning" about how I feel, she can read my blog, but I don't think it is anything she don't know or suspect already. LOL.

I ordered the blind's for my room yesterday. Of course they backordered or are comming from a different warehouse and i should not expect them to ship for at least 6 days then standard delivery. THEY don't mind taking your money for a product that won't come for about 2 weeks.

I watched a movie last night. This is becomming a habbitual thing lately. Me a movie watcher? Who'd have thunk that. Last night I watched "Raising Helen". Not only did I watch it BUT I liked it. A LOT. So, I sat in front of the TV and watched 2 movies last night. ME. LOL. I find that hystercal.

EDIT: went to the new walmart today and found Kill Bill vol 1 and 2 on sale for 9.99 as well as that movie dream catcher. Also added to the movie library today was National treasure. I suck. LOL.

Friday, May 06, 2005

This Blog "FALLS" under too much info

All right after reading this http://www.blogger.com/publish-comment.do?blogID=10439332&postID=111532413892363881&r=ok I have a rather unreasonable BLOG to make.

I perfer "thongs" as my un-mentionable's. Having said that. You learn something NEW everyday. I was dating this one guy with no fear of the horses. Spur of the moment we decided to go on a ride. Well. I had on a rather "tight" and "stringy" thong. Did it occur to me to change before we went riding? Well, not really, I didn't think it would make a difference. a) the ride was 8 miles long and I got the horse that likes to show off and trot. b) did I mention I actually "came" so much I was soaked almost to my knee's? c) my clit was sore and throbbing for the better part of a week.

LESSON LEARNED. Don't ride with a) a thong on b)piercings in said area covered by thong or c) benwalla ball's in. Don't know what benwalla's are... You can get them at www.pabo.com they help to keep your krugals nice n tight so you can grip your partners penis with all the glory of the world and make him feel like he is hung.

I am HELL cat, hear me ROAR Posted by Hello

I need a NAME a little HELP here

all right guys. Time to thow a few names my way. i've decided to change the name of the main male character in my book from "Hank". *sigh* this is in light of the fact that the first Hank I ever met has appeared on radar again and I can't seem to see my "character" as a Hank anymore. GRRR. Thanks. (smile) ANY SUGGESTIONS on a name? Character has brown eyes, auburn/brown hair about 6'2, nice body. And he has a few tattoo's. He is an Actor but lied to his g'friend and said he write the "publicity" reports for his best friend. He lies because he wants her to like him for who he is and not "WHO" he is. He utlimatly ends up "dying" earily on in the book so the FBI can frame his best friend for an on going murder investigation; but "comes back to life" later in the story. So I need a name. A name for a man that is strong enough to out live death (via poisioned clams, no doubt) itself.

Thursday, May 05, 2005


I have nothing to Blog about 05.05.05 so I dug out a poem to share will all. I have no idea when it was written as i never dated it but it was on yellowed paper, so I'd imagine that it was back in the 80's and had something to do with a man named scott.

It was without a doubt
It would lead to pain
Forsaken grace
In the light of the moon
On the grass of the beach
Of the sand in the meadow
Was our friendships
So shallow
Hate amongst disgust
Agony of love upon sorrow
Pain mixed with pleasure
Was it worth it
For trust
Comes in all forms of solace
And solace eclipses the moon
The moon cast shadows
Upon the beaches planted with
Retrospect of me and you

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Getting in on flashback to the 80's

Getting in on the 80’s flashback (as posted at the Wino-Rhino) I have a few memories of my own. I think my favorite memory was the day NYPINTA first spoke to me (ok I admit there were a lot of favorites with her but this one was so there.) In High School,or more precisely sometime in 9th grade gym class, the most beautiful girl in the school spoke to me. In my mind’s eye, I looked around, sure she meant to talk to someone else. We were, I think, "learning" the rules to basketball that day and I really knew how to play basketball and had tried out for the Varsity and JV team but I wasn’t cool enough to be accepted (because I was good damn it), but I was not in the mood to play in GYM because I think it was Co-ed or something and my boob’s had just gone through yet another growing spree. There she is, NYPINTA, big green eyes and blonde hair and the PERFECT body, standing in front of ME and having a conversation about her and JD and being on the hood of the wino-rhino and some silly blonde chic we knew. I think that’s how I remember it. Or she knew the silly blonde chic, I didn’t. I was kind of scared of her. No body could be that fake and exist. And the lip stick, gawd.
My nest favorite memory was when GUNS-N-Roses came out with that song, "Sweet Child of Mine" , and I knew Axel Rose was describing me. It fit me. Or it fit the persona I wanted everyone to see. No. It fit the persona I hid deep inside where outside I let everyone see the "fake" me. The one who had no pain, the one that was determined to have a boyfriend (though I couldn’t seem to get one or for that matter keep one and the ones I did get were... um... well... I am still single that should say enough in itself.) But that song was so me. I wanted so bad for someone to see through my "Facade" and make me fall madly in love with them. Which happened. But "HE" didn’t know it happened, he didn’t know he broke through and in fact that ...I was in love with him or he failed to see I was in love with him because he was at that time in love with my best and only person I really considered a friend (to this day) and I wouldn’t tell him because ... oh hell the rational you have at 15-16.
I then had this fascination with myself. Odd. I can admit it. I was a "compliment" hog... and yes I did fish for compliments. I became so wrapped up in "myself" that I failed to see things around me. Wrapped up in "myself" because well no one else was interested, say none the least my fucking low life god forsaken mother. I was going to join the marines. Fuck everyone. Honest to GOD. I started to run every night with my friend "Mark" and burned the baby fat I had left. I had to get down to 118 to make it in the Marines. I found out that 118 on me was 0 to 1% body fat. And to actually make weigh in, I will admit, and only this once, that I went the route of bulimic. I hit the 118 on my scales and went and did the paper work. On their scales I whaled in at 112.

But let me tell you this. I don’t think I look good that thin and I had NO BOYFRIENDS when I was thin. The marines told me to go to college (although I ACED the fucking ASVAP, I mean like missing two or three questions a section , aced the fucking thing.) and they said I was best to go for engineering because that is where my future was headed. BOY were they wrong. I still think that my mom had something to do with them not accepting me. But that was ok, the next year the Persian gulf war broke out. I was sort of happy to be home.
In college I tried to put weight back on via weight training and "fencing" and what I ended up with was a cute ass and really big fucking thighs. No boyfriend. Well, really I didn’t have time to date. I went to school full time and worked full time. Which really sucked. I got the shit end of the deal. But I was still in love with myself. I will add more on self fascination tomorrow or the next day.

What I am getting at is in the 80’s all I wanted was a boyfriend. Someone to LOVE me. And that was the one thing I never did get and still have not gotten to this day.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Bubble Wrap shortage

Bark on bubble wrap tree’s turns up missing. Read all about it! Read it here first! No, really. I received a package in the mail the other day and opened it. Only to have to search through 15 yards of bubble wrap for my prize. Which really stuck me as a waste of bubble wrap because neither of the items I bought were "fragile".

In my minds eye this is what I see. The trees in the garden at the local loony bin are no longer padded. They have been raped of their unique bubble wrap surface to protect my packages. So, now if the inmates (is that what they call the people that reside in mental institutions?) nut up and go bouncing off the tree’s they might actually harm themselves.

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