recipe and smart eating tips

song of the day: "Complicated" Avril Lavigne
mood: need a coffee IV


The "trendy" weight loss thing is to eat clean. Everyone is eating clean and there are now diet books on how to do it.  I call bullshit on it.  In order to eat "clean" you eat smart. Shop the exterior of the grocery store and buy real whole foods.  Fruits, veggies, nuts, milk, local meat (if you can get it) and assorted dairy. IF IT HAS AN EXPIRAION date... that is what you eat.  Avoid pre-packaged foods and GMO foods if possible.. Buy cheese that has to be cut or grated and not individual slices.  It really is not clean eating... it is smart eating.  Clean eating is just a money making scam.


I like to get the lotus food rice.  They are high in minerals that we lack in our diet.  Some are grown in volcanic areas.


Forbidden Rice (black rice) is an interesting character to add to your diet.  Looks like rat shit when you cook it. If you can get over the visual the texture is amazing. It feels like rice in your mouth but when you bite and chew it; you will find it as hardy as the texture of meat.  It can also be used as a meat replacement (vegans and vegetarians).


I cook one cup of rice (yields four servings cooked) according to the package instructions. Yes, this takes longer than regular rice to cook. Plan ahead.


in a frying pan dice one small white onion, grate one clove of garlic, grate one slice of crystalized ginger or fresh ginger root, and two tablespoons of organic butter.  I use salt free butter but I season with that pink salt... ugh... I can't remember what it is called. I need to run get some. sigh.  Anyway, season with salt and pepper to taste. Sauté the above ingredients and if you like (which I do) add some diced meat that is left over (Pork/beef/shrimp/chicken.. whatever) and I like to add snow peas that are fresh (in season... you want to wok like fry the snow peas in the mixture because you want them to be crunchy). Also, add a tablespoon of soy sauce. When the rice is cooked just dump the skillet into the rice and mix well. Serve hot.  It is also fun to add bullion powder to the rice water before it cooks. Season with a flavor that you like. Sometimes I just add whatever spices sound good to me... I just toss and pray it comes out good and usually it does.  I don't recommend Italian mix spices as they give it an odd taste.


Left over rice? Cool.  Over cook some white rice so it is like a mush.  Add it to (you have to eyeball this) the black rice mix and make a patty. I make mine oblong.  Anyway, put your patty in some hot coconut oil (enough to coat bottom of pan) and fry you a rice burger.  Wrap the rice burger in some long leafy lettuce and don't forget to garnish with shaved almonds before you roll it up. Makes a great lunch. I like it hot but I know people that like it cold. Weirdo's.  You can also use left over black rice in your sushi recipes.  It goes fantastic with fish.


you can make from scratch just about anything you buy packaged. Want to have a cheese spread? melt some grated cheese with condensed sweetened milk and pour into containers. Perfect and simple. It also goes further than cheese spreads and you can smart them up with diced tomatoes and onions or homemade salsa or mushrooms or whatever you want. I like to add guacamole mix powder and chunks of avocado to mine with a small diced onion. That is me. I grew up eating tex-mex so I like to make things of that nature.


when you cook... avoid as much store bought bread as possible. get you a bread machine and make it from scratch. It taste better, you can add what you want, it is more eye pretty, it smells better (duh... fresh), and it is a fun thing to do with the kids. If you buy a more expensive bread machine you can also make jellies and jams in it and have the best of both worlds.


pie is evil.
it is?
is it?


It really don't have to be.  Find a recipe for a tart crust.  Ohhhhhh... you see where I am going? Yea. Tart's are a NY and New England thing. Make your tart crust.  Poke a few holes.  Cover it about 1/4 inch thick with your homemade jelly. Add fresh sliced fruit (I try to make it look as pretty as possible) and spray some lemon juice on top. Bake according to the tart directions. Yes it will have calories in it but they are smart calories. Instead of white sugar use unrefined sugar or agave or honey in the tart recipe. Instead of flour use Spelt or rice flour or anything of that nature.


If you play in the kitchen, cooking is not a mundane chore.  It becomes fun.  You learn a lot about yourself and a lot about what you really like and don't like.


Example. Nobody in this house likes spinach (except me). Dumbasses.  Do you know HOW much spinach they eat? I dice it and add it to burgers. I juice it and add it to juices. I use the pulp from juicing to add to baked goods.  My family has about two servings of spinach or kale a day.  Sneaky bitch me.


Don't be afraid to add the kitchen sink.  Honest. We used to call it "Shit in a Pan" but now I have kids I just call it a casserole  ... just start adding leftovers to the crock pot with some broth or water and have a soup or stew.  Plenty of veggies too! Or add pasta and bake in the oven.


Use your stainless steel sink to your advantage.


in a clean sink add about a gallon of water and a cup of vinegar and a few squirts of fresh lemon (I just squeeze an entire lemon in my mix. Add to it dirty fruit (all fruit is dirty TBH). let your fresh fruit soak about fifteen minutes. Rinse it well.  You will honestly be grossed out at the residue you see floating in the water.  That is why I say a clean sink.  Fruit and veggies are gross and should be handled like it came from a hospital that has an MSRA infection running rampant.  Think about it.  People touch the fruit to see what is ripe. They smell it. They sneeze on it. Lot's of people do this with dirty hands or hands that were not washed after smoking or going to the bathroom.  THINK about it. WASH your fresh fruit and veggies.  I even wash fruit I know I am going to peel. WHY? because when you peel it you are pushing the peel down into the fruit and thus contaminating the meat inside. Except bananas.  I don't wash them. That is my only exception.


The point is to be smart. At first it will take time.  At first you will feel it is so expensive and complicated.  Guess what? When you quit buying the shit on the other 12 isles... it really is not expensive. When you use a food processor or a bread machine or Crock pot... what time? Those things basically are a god send.  Yes it will seem complicated... But your first science project was complicated too, amiright?  Matching your clothes and running a house is complicated.  Navigating traffic is complicated.  This really is not.  You just have to do like the other things and train your mind.  You are training your body to build muscle too... right?  You have not given up on the GYM have you?

no time

Song of the Day: "Menace" Five Finger death Punch 


mood:sick damn it


I hate getting sick. Everyone came home sick yesterday and today I've got the tireds.  I've no energy to workout or even run to the store for stuff to cook supper.

accountability

song of the day: Timber - Kesha and Pitbull
(Because IT is going DOWN)
Mood: feeling stoked


I am 42
I am overweight
I am an ex-smoker
I worked out today.


DID YOU?


Why not? I can do a mile at a walk in 28 minutes. 


We did our measurements today. I am down 13 inches and down 15 pounds. Doc is down 12.5 inches and he did not weigh in.


Hey ya'll, missing inches is motivation to go back to the gym tomorrow.  Put it this way, I could not wait to go to the gym today.


Even if you don't go to the gym... do me a favor... keep a log of what you eat every day. At the end of the week read it. Are you eating healthy or even close to balanced? How much saturated fat is in your diet? Calories are an evil thing.  Use your food as health care and don't let it slowly poison you to death.


I would love to give all the credit to working out.  But I did the above.  I was sick to my heart over what I was eating.  Honest. I know better. Let me repeat that... I KNOW BETTER.  I cut calories but I cut them the smart way.  I took out a lot of saturated fats and junk foods and deserts. I upped fresh fruit and veggies.  Not canned veggies, FRESH. Fresh is VIP because there is no preservatives in them. I added smart rice like what is sold by Lotus Foods.  I added fish and took away most red meats.  I eat my lunch on five crackers instead of a sandwich and chips.


Buy yourself a juicer.  Yea, there are pro's and con's.  But you can add to your fresh fruit and veggies.  I take the pulp and put it in our baked goods and breads.  You still get the fiber if you use the pulp too.  Know what is super yummy? Instead of 8 ounces of water juice you 3 peaches and a bundle of fresh spinach.  Dilute what you get with about 8-10 ounces of water (you want the juice and the water to equal about 16 ounces or two servings). Mix the juice with two scoops of your whey (I use the chocolate by BodyTech sold at Vitaman Shoppe) and stick it in the blender with 6 ice cubes. Two servings (one for Doc and one for me). Taste great and has the right stuff in it to stop the post workout trauma to your muscles.


Why a whey protein drink.  Your muscles crave it.  When you work out you build up lactic acid (that causes the stiffness) and the lactic acid will eat away at your muscles because it just sits there. They whey drinks help to flush this out.  It is NOT for just body builders.  If you do not want to get stiff, add this to your diet.  Be sure to account for it in your calorie intake.


Another good weight loss tip is to manage your eating.  Eat your biggest meal at breakfast or wake up time.  And tapper them down. You should eat five to six small meals a day.  This fuels your metabolism.  YES I know this.  And YES I became a coffee for breakfast person (over the years).  Yes, I have changed this.  The results are up there. 


Also, when you are working out, be sure to do exercises that complement each other.  segregate yourself. Upper body one day and lower the next.


I was reading on FB about a friend that gives up when her back or shoulder go out.  Ok.  Think about your body as a machine.  One part will not work right if the parts around it don't work right.  Like the gears on a watch or the timing belt on a car. 


Shoulder issues: make sure you are working the Pec's (chest) and the Delts (upper back/shoulder) the same day you are doing shoulder presses and arm workouts.  Don't work the triceps without working the biceps.  Exercise smart.


Lower back issues: yes yes yes indeedy.  Who don't say... oh my back hurts? Especially those of us who are overweight (OK I have an excuse because I broke my back and arthritis set in... it don't stop me from working out). To avoid lower back pain strengthen your abs and gluteus Maximus when you are exercising. By strengthen I mean squats for the glutes and crunches for the abs.  I tie them in with my leg workouts. I also spend 20 minutes a day on the heavy boxing bag. 


Boxing bag workouts. I firmly believe in a solid core. Right now, mine is solid fat.  But back in December I bought the girls a heavy and speed bag because they wanted to join a local MMA gym.  I got to thinking about it.  When I was at my fittest, I worked out with the boxing bags.  I researched this.  It turns out that if you are executing you strikes correctly then you are working your entire core.  Twenty minutes on the bag will burn about 250 calories.  That is a lot.  30 minutes at a fast walk on the treadmill only burns 70.  Strike 15 seconds and dodge and protect 15 seconds is how I do it. Guess what? I was out of breath at about five minutes the first week.  Now I do 20 minutes and breathe like I never smoked and sweat like a whore on 2 cent day.


I see I went and got all wordy.  I am just sharing some tips with you on how I am doing it.  How your trainer or doctor or you want to do it is up to you as long as you are on this journey too.


Good luck and don't forget to be accountable to YOURSELF.  You can lie to anyone but you cannot lie to yourself.

Happy Valentine Day

Song of the day: Can't Help (Falling in Love with you) UB40
but the REAL meaning of love and Valentines is: Wild Thing The Trogs
Annnnd what is Valentines day without: Silly Love Songs Paul McCartney
For Measure, this is #4 on Billboard top 50 love songs: How Deep is your love BeeGees
For the SOLO: Love hurts Nazareth






Mood: Lovey


At the end of the day of the 13th of February, every woman has expectations.  Even the most pessimistic of those that proclaim Valentine's is for Bozo's (me notwithstanding.) expect something.  We are bred and born and raised to expect something.  I always looked at the holiday with distain.  I hated it.  If I had a beau on Valentines he didn't give anything and if I was single well... you laid in wait... both scenarios just suck.


Now that I am married... well I really don't want it. I don't want the chocolates or the flowers or the cards. BUT Doc really picks out the best freaking cards ever.  Did you know that? If you want or need a card... Doc S is the best. Honest.  I love to look at the flowers.  I do like roses.  But the mixed flowers make me smile.  Don't get me wrong, the dozen long stem roses screammmmmm... dude you are getting laid...


All kidding aside. Valentines has now become a VIP thing for the kids.  WHY WHY WHY. So, we baked and baked and sprinkled and baked. I'm so sick of baking. And we sat and did Lucy's valentines cards for her class (after the great hunt to find Hello Kitty Valentines) and we ran here and there and you know what?  Screw you society for making this a market. Valentines should be fun and all about love and shit like that. Not some fiasco of who can one up another.


But for supper the kids are having a heart shape pizza and I've made my dear husband veggie beef stew. Stew just sounded so good.


Happy Valentine's day. Single or married or refusing to commit. You are special to me.

enable this

Song of the day "Going to a Go Go" Rolling Stones
mood: Innervated... watch out


The last week has been life altering.  It sunk in last night. 


Last night I watched an hour long program called, "My 600 pound life" on TLC.  I am not a TV bug but I will occasionally find a program I like and make time to watch it and I will occasionally sit there late at night and surf the channels.


Surfing the channels last night I came across My 600-lb Life.  I decided with all the fitness and healthy eating we are doing; it wouldn't hurt to see this.  Well, it did hurt.  It hit home in areas I was not expecting.  The young woman (This is the episode about a 22 year old woman named Christina) has a mom that is an enabler.  The doctor in the program points this out a few times.


That is my focus. Enablers. An Enabler is quite simply a person or thing that makes something possible.


How often do we (as individuals) try to accomplish a goal only to fail at it.  Often. Look at your new years resolutions and you will see a few.  Why do we fail?  We don't fail because we didn't try.  We fail because we do not separate ourselves from the people or things that encourage the behavior we want to change.


I lie sometimes.  Not often.  I am not good at lying so I try not to do it.  The biggest lie I have told is why I left NY.  And I am going to come clean right here and right now.  I am coming clean because it is the first step to me healing from within.


I left NY because I did not want to witness my parents drinking and be a part of it.  I did not want to watch my mom die from type 2 diabetes because she was an alcoholic.  I did not want to fall into that addictive drinking trap. 


Why is it addictive?  Think about it.  It is really not fun to get snockered and wake up going... what did I do?  It is not fun to drink so much you are barfing your guts out and asking someone to bring the sofa into the bathroom because you can't walk and it makes sense (as long as you don't do the size math, which you don't because your not thinking.).  The headache the next day, the calories, the expanding waist line, the fair weather friends, the stupid bar games... are they really fun or worth it? No. Fucking No.


Drinking is addictive (in the situation I was in) because you have fallen into a niche of people like yourself.  You know who will be the designated driver. You know who will screw you with no strings when you are plastered (ouch did that hurt your feelings?).  You know who you can count on to sit next to you at the bar and go one for one because you really want to drown out your shitty ass life.


Your life is shitty because you make it shitty.


Guess what?  Being healthy is addictive too.  There are as many (if not more) enablers that will push you to eat right and workout.  Many call these people Libertarians.  I don't.  Why label?


The hardest part of working out is walking in the door of the gym and realizing that these people are not 1970 movie meat heads.  They are very genuine.  And if you give them a chance (key words there) they will very kindly push you.


The first week I was at the gym I noticed the people giving Eric and I curious glances and making themselves visible.  Ever do that?  Make yourself visible but not interact?  I have.  The first day I went without Eric, an elderly man spoke to me.  By elderly I mean mid 60-s.  He had said his age but I can't remember it.  He asked where that strapping young man was I had been dragging in.  I didn't tell Eric that part.  I explained his work schedule and said, I decided that I was going to workout without him or at least do cardio.  The old man smiled. Not just with his mouth.  With his eyes and his hands and his body.  He said, "One year ago I joined this gym.  My doctor said I would not make 70 if I did not exercise and eat right. Five minutes on the exercise bike and I was sweating in a way that people should not sweat. I couldn't breathe. I was seeing little white spots. I was discouraged." at this time we were about ten minutes in on the treadmill and he asked for a minute or two and hiked his machine up to 9MPH and took a 3 minute run on it and slowed it back down/checked his heart rate and wiped his sweat off his face with a small towel.  I was trying NOT to stare and kept plugging away at 3 MPH because no way in hell I can do 9. Or is there.  He continues, "In one year, I have lost 100 physical pounds or 43% of my body weight."  I almost fell off of the damn treadmill. "See, I went home and I ate half a cake.  I was depressed and discouraged.  I spent my day crying."  and I felt sort of choked up inside.  We have all done that. Maybe not eaten half a cake... but you know that feeling. He was explaining about how he felt that day for a few minutes.  I asked a few questions here and there.  Then he said, "I can do pull up's for the first time in my life.  I can lift my body weight.  All because I came back the second day and did six minutes on the bike and the second week and did ten minutes and the third month and did the treadmill and started with weights."  We were about 20 minutes in to our cardio.  I said something lame like, "Wow, that is a lot of information to digest." because it was.  Here was a man who obviously had come from worse dire straits than I felt I was in.  He made a point to try. He became his enabler and the more he showed up the more the people in the gym became his enabler.  Encouragement goes much further than we believe.


Yesterday was the first day we went to the gym first thing.  Again, that hesitation of walking through the door.  Because we are used to the people that are there when we are there about 9:30am.  Guess what? A lot of those people are there at 7:30 am too.  But more VIP there are a lot of people there that are trying.  Fat people, thin people, fit people, old people (a lot of old men), and they all had this look in their eyes.  Determined.


This gym is not a cheap spot.  It is smaller than the chains. It is locally owned.  There are a large bank of Cardio machines.  In the center are all the machines to use to get started with lifting weights. Along the perimeter there are free weights and stations to do physical things.  I keep looking at it like the grocery store.  Shop the outside isles.  But starting in the center is still a start.  I have never been one to like to lift weights. I always went for the aerobic or yoga classes and or using your body as a counter weight. Like when you box the heavy bag. So, it is new to me to build muscle mass to fight fat gain.  Something I never would have considered before watching a person on twitter by the name of Mike M.  Not that I think his pictures of when I first met him were fat.  Because they were not.  But his pictures of himself now are amazing.  


Can a random stranger be an enabler?  Why not?  I have given you a few examples.  Mike will probably never know I used him (but I will send him an inbox with this story link) as an enabler and that I still use him as an enabler.  He very publicly post his workouts.  He will say he did 1000 crunches and I am saying... right behind you... I did ten. Well hell... crunches make me have to go to the bathroom. If I did 1000 crunches I'd never make it out of the bathroom.  He is not alone. 


Oh my God. I stalk people for their workout routines.  What a strange revelation. But I do.  I have about a dozen I go and look at the feed. If they have posted about doing something, I go to the gym and ask (one of the meat heads) what the heck it is and if I am physically able to do it.  I have not had one tell me I can't do it. I have had them always take the time and show me how to do a pull, weighted squat, hike, curl... oh there are only about 20 things I have learned from twitter that I have taken back to the gym and been shown how to try.  Some I even have worked into my routines.  I am using twitter as an enabler.    


I took a long hard look at my husband when he got out of the shower yesterday.  I can't remember the last time I looked at him to see him and not the image of him I created.  Guess what?  He is sexy as hell.  You can see a change in his legs.  I could see the muscles showing on his legs and I blushed and told him so.  Poor guy.  I do love him.  I do love that he is trying.  I do love how he looked at me like... WTF Jenn.  But guess what?  I am hoping he see's me as a health enabler and not as his wife that feeds him and makes him fat.  Because every time he goes to the gym with me, I feel so encouraged.  I feel like we might not be perfect but we are at least trying to do it right.  And I feel determined on the days I go alone. 


And I look forward to every workout.

blocked and blacklisted ... thanks wwe

Song of the Day: "Complicated" Avril Lavigne
Mood: ahhh ah ha ha ... run at me


I can't believe how much WWE has changed our lives in 7 short months.  I can't believe it has been 7 months. I  am still trying to wrap my head around the changes in the girls and the affect WWE has had on their ASD symptoms.


Each girl is maintaining their favorites.


I am really a Randy Orton fan.  And the following may lead you to believe other wise but hopefully I will get back to Orton.


First off, I am not going to apologize for what I said about Orton dating a teen.  Be it in real life or for that Diva program; it crossed the line.  I am hated by the WWE for having an opinion on this.  Yes, the young lady is or was 18 and that is legal.  I am not mad at Orton or the woman involved. And that is what I want to clarify. 


It made me mad that my 7 year old daughter found a picture and blog post on their relationship and asked me, "Why is that little girl dating a daddy?"  And I had to sit there and explain that the woman was in fact not a little girl and that YES Randy Orton is a daddy but not her daddy.  I really can not set a parental control on that.


What I don't know is if it was true.  And I will apologize for jumping to conclusion.  It makes me angry to think that the WWE creative team would come up with this as a possibility to draw more business to the Total Diva program.  However, I do not know if the creative team came up with paring Orton and JoJo up for the show.  If they did, shame on them, bad business.  I am not alone in that thought.


I don't know if it was fan-fic or a personal choice. Those are other possibilities.  Fan-fic path... screw you internet asshole. Personal choice... really?  I thought a lot higher of both of you.  But at the end of the day it is legal.  Have at it.


I really do not want to reel Lucy in on her internet searches. I firmly believe this child is going to be a historian.  She looks up world leaders all the time and historical figures.  She also looks up every wrestler mentioned on the air or on the WWE page or in related searches. Lucy, at 7, knows more about wrestling than I ever will. And she tests her family daily on wrestling knowledge. 


I really do not think that warrants being on a black list and blocked by the WWE superstars.  Fuck you very much.


I sat down a few nights ago and figured it up.  We roughly spent $2400 on wrestling stuff since the children discovered WWE in July 2013.  How much does the average wrestling fan spend a year on WWE?


What has being black listed cost WWE?  For starters, I did not buy 4 front row tickets to WrestleMania (as we had planned).  I did not buy (in advance) tickets to Jackson (Tn) Live event or to the Smackdown (Nashville) events.  All would have been in close proximity to front row or VIP tickets if available.


What WWE gained from Black Listing me.  My last order to the wwe shop got shorted an AJ Lee t-shirt for Lucy.  I never bothered to call and tell them. So, you gained $20 bucks. But that entire order was screwed up. I was shorted a Sheamus flag (which I did call about and they did promptly send). They duplicated an order on a Randy Orton coffee cup (at my expense, 2 cups $25... ouch). I did not realize the shirt was shorted until the great hide in the closet to wrap Santa stuff.  I double checked the order then and I was charged. But oh well.  You gained an extra twenty on the shirt and an extra sale on the Orton mug.


That is really small potatoes when you look at the potential $8,000 -10 K depending on the spot we could have got for WrestleMania or better you lost on not just ticket sales but merchandise sales at these up coming events.  Will you make it up on another family or fans; probably.  But you also lost my faith in you and your brand.  And that may cost you two life long fans.


How? Well, if I don't take the kids to events... they loose the thrill of the show.  Loss of the thrill will eventually lead to loss of interest in the sport.  Softball season is coming up and I can very easily make the transition.  And,yes, I have taken the kids to several events that relate to WWE.


My dilemma is this; do I make the transition because I am made about being black listed?  That is a pretty good topic. See, I firmly believe that wrestling has saved my family. 


How did you save us?  This is a long and personal story and I have tried to intelligently write on the subject before. I still have the blog post but have hidden them.


But I will tell you this much.  My girls both fall in the ASD spectrum.  Communication with them is testy at best.  I have often felt robbed as a parent and an individual. 


I like to play.  I always have.  I was so excited to have a baby.  Even though I had to have Amanda alone; I was hell bent to make the best of it.  At 18 months (hours after her shots) my dreams went up in smoke.  I spent the next 13 years being very angry.  Being very robbed.  I couldn't get my child to play.  Kids with ASD lack the ability to make believe.  I was utterly and completely crushed.  Can you imagine waiting 14 years to play with your child?  I read post on social media where parents bitch about their kids wanting attention or how they had to watch that damn cartoon again.  Do you know what I would give to feel that? 


And the subject has brought me to tears.  It is so selfish of me.  To feel this pity for myself at being robbed of playing with my kids.  At least they are healthy.  That is what I have to tell myself to stop the tears.


Well, WWE gave me... THAT.  They gave me a chance to play with my kids. In a matter of minutes. Boom. My life changed.  The first match we saw was a Randy Orton v Alberto Del Rio competition.  The girls hated Orton from the word go.  I initially decided to play the devils advocate and root for Orton to see what happened.


The girls wrestled.  The girls tackled the dog, me, and each other.  The cats sort of said "fuck this" and hid.  Cats are smart that way.  By the end of the first week, the girls loved Sheamus, Daniel Bryan, CM Punk, Ziggler, and Alberto Del Rio.  To this day, 7 months later, they are still rooting for them. The only one that ignited them into a debate was if I rooted for Orton.  The other heels were tolerated.  That is why I stuck to rooting for Orton.


I decided I liked Orton; after a bit.  His story line is fantastic.  It got better when he isolated and alienated everyone.  I guess that leads to why I said what I did about him dating JoJo.  It is not that I care who he dates...


I was disappointed that my kid had one up on me.  I was disappointed that she had a reason to doubt and hate Orton. I really do not want my kids to hate Orton.  I would like them to see the Greco - Roman moves he uses (especially in matches against Ziggler... wow).  I really do not want my child to doubt Orton. I would like Lucy to admit that Orton is a good wrestler on merit.


Yes, the way I approached the topic of whom Orton dated was rude.  And for my word choice on social media, I do apologize.


I have never been a fan of anything but fun.  I have never gone out of my way to meet superstars (although I have met quite a few through my past occupations).  Twitter is an interesting tool.  It gives a large fan basin a chance to interact with their hero's.


In July, I didn't know I needed a hero.  I didn't know I needed tears.  I didn't know that I had given up on my kids ever being normal.  I didn't know my marriage and health was in the shitter.  I did not know I needed friends or social media.  I didn't know I needed a click.


When Gundy died a big hole was jabbed in my heart.  He was the only friendship I bothered to try to maintain over the years and miles.  My husband told me that I had lost my soul mate. I never once told Gundy that Amanda was diagnosed with ASD.  The week he died was a reunion of team flannel.  I had calls from people I had deliberately alienated. I left NY for a reason.  Amanda was my reason.  I took her far away and hid from my world. I tolerated the calls and letters and friend request on FaceBook. I know they were reaching out.  We all lost a major person in our interlocking lives.  I can pinpoint his death to my downward spiral.  I threw in the towel. 


WWE threw it back at me.  WWE gave me a chance to play with my kids.  And I am fucking sorry that I used the word choice I did on social media.