Song of the day: "Hello... Goodbye..." The Beatles
Quote of the day: "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." Mother Teresa (1910-1997)
I just want to share a few insecurities... We all have them and share from time to time. My big one is my parenting skills. I try at times but I am not always good at it. Honestly, sometimes I flat out suck. My other insecurity is relationships.
This is a hello goodbye post.
The 'Goodbye' factor is that I will be leaving blogland for an undisclosed amount of time that may be forever. HOWEVER, I do expect you to check my blog periodically because I might just throw a cat blog or picture up. But for this, (the leaving part)I am sorry. I have met some really great people here. You are the same people that have got me through some really big potholes in my life. The current pothole is larger than life and I can't be here. I do not admit defeat easily. I admit it now.
The 'Hello' factor is that I want you to know Doc for who he is and not for whom he thinks he is. He is a really great man. He plays nice with kids. He is the best friend a person could ask for. He is the best boyfriend a person could ask for. He is a fantastic lover. He is a good God fearing man. He has a few hang up's. We all do. But I want my fellow bloggers and bloggettes to know he is genuine and good.
In other news. Mandy is flaking off at school and that is something that has to be addressed and that we are addressing on a regular basis. She has hit 'Tweenie' full force. There appears to be no winning with her. She is failing things that she knows with her eyes closed, she is ... we won't go there.
I have been rung through the ringer with Lulu these last few weeks. I think I am starting to get how to be smarter than a 3 year old! I am not happy with the course of progress communicating with her has taken. I am disappointed in my actions as a parent (no I haven't beat her or anything, not to worry, I am not a great parent but I am not a horrible one either!). I just am not comfortable with this alternative parenting technique. It is now time to switch gears and try another parenting technique.
Doc suggested (a few months ago) that I take time off of school until Lucy hits kindergarten and then I try again. I did not really agree with that at first. Doc is right about a lot of things and I agree with him on this (in a resentful way). The nice thing is that I do not have to prove myself to Doc. He knows that I am capable of finishing my education and going on with the things we have talked about and that someday everything will get straight and that I will get there.
I am disappointed in myself for letting things go this route. I am disappointed that he didn't think I could do it. But I have realized (after I cried and bitched and GRUMBLED a little. No wait, I was near impossible to live with. ) that I can't do it all. I can't be the full time mom, the full time girlfriend, and the full time student. That is like
shitting a miracle pulling teeth from a rabid raccoon.
What I don't like is how I feel inside. I failed myself. I have always been able to do it. I have always been able to do it all for everyone and still manage to take care of me and my needs. This go around it is different. I am frail. I am human. I can't do it all. I can only do my school and feel good about me if I relinquish control to others. This is an incredible realization (on top of the other crap with the kids who are my heart and ultimately what this is about) for me. Doc told me that. He pointed out the 'control freak' factor and I bucked what he said. Well, in the confrontation but the reality is that I have thought long and hard about it.
Again he is right. For a long time I have had to do it all. This goes back to when I was a teenager and raising an alcoholic mother. I was forced into a life of control and setting limitations for other people. But you want to know the truth? I don't even want to balance my own check book. He didn't say I needed to drop my responsibilities (just to qualify that, lol, I have to balance my check book) just that I needed to let the reins loose on things. And I got really insecure.
The other thing I do not do is being repeatedly lied to. Once you get over a lie and move on and open your heart to trust again, you really do not expect to experience it again less than 24 hours later. And again a month later and so on and so forth. I will not tolerate it from my kids, my friends, my family, or from Doc. I have ended more friendships (and cut family out of my world) from lies then I can count. I don't think it is unreasonable to not tolerate lies and deceit.
I don't like to be repeatedly lied to and have things hidden from me. I never have and I never will. I have found a side of me with Doc that I don't like. I am a jealous and selfish person. I don't like other women emailing him. I don't like that he gets right on the computer and checks all the women bloggers first (with the exception of Jeni, Fermi, Nat, Debo, and Kathleen - I don't mind you ladies) and comments to your blogs before he even speaks to me. You are who his relationship is with and not me. And I hate that more than anything. I hate that I insisted that he embrace the 21st century and get a great new computer because all it causes me now is grief. I am more important that the internet, I LIVE HERE DAMNIT. End of Story.
So, bear with me. I have a family to repair. I have wonderful relationship to build and grow from and with, maybe. My I have my own shallowness to address. I have a three year old to reprogram. I have a tween to
kick her head out of her ass try to keep on track... Realizing you never grew up when your 37 is a real bitch. But realizing it is the big part of the battle.
This is real and this is life and I am happy I woke up this morning and took a deep breath. I think I just exhaled.