Reflecting…

So this recording thing I am doing is really working out nicely. Although I have been using it for anything other then compiling my ideas for blogging. Like, today, I recorded two classes, and for the last few days I have been speaking tongue in cheek about this psych adjustment paper I have to do.

I am listening to the playlist that Sunshine has posted under that link. There are some darn good songs that, well… okokok, I LIKE. SO, I have her post open as I surf the net.

OK, back to the recording thing. I got sidetracked by following links off of other people's blogs. And it has been about 45 minute's since I clicked on Sunshine's blog. SIGH. I said some very interesting things on Tuesday while on my way to pick Molly up from school. I got a little bit insecure about what I was saying on the recorder and pulled a few things out of my hat that really (and painfully obvious) are not very interesting. And now I have sat here an additional seven minutes pondering if I want to talk about my recordings.

Skipping to this Psych Paper, I find it very draining to write and am seriously considering going to the doctor and having him renew my prescription for Cymbalta. It is very critical I write this paper but there are a lot of things that I really don't want to admit to. Honest. Like the angry black ape clouds. That is part of this paper. I have to write a paper on the Psychological change I have had to go through as a non-traditional student returning after a ten year break and list the things I have learned.

What?

OK, here is what I have learned, and it is not academic. I've learned how to forgive, I've learned that I am very bitter, I learned that it is ok to have friends and be hurt, it is ok to have intimate relationships, it is ok to get mad about red tape if you don't tell anyone they have directly pissed you off, I learned that you will be lied to and pointed in the wrong direction by spiteful advisors, I learned that one hand does not wash the other and people are just as petty in their thirties and so one as they are fresh out of high school, that everyone should go to a tech school for at least two years before entering a community college or an undergraduate college, how to find people that cheat and how they do it, that people you'd least expect take advantage of nice instructors, that I mentally cause the majority of my own stress, that I sat on my ass and didn't go back to school until I absolutely had to because I didn't want to and look at all the time I've wasted, that I enjoy education and I am flourishing under my instructors, that I can't wait to go to Georgia Southern and get my bachelors degree in psychology and then apply to the master program, and that I really want to go to work somewhere that I can help people (preferably children). Have I learned a stitch about biology that I didn't already know? NOPE. Have I learned anything from any of the classes I have taken (other then Spanish)? Nope. I take Spanish as the exception.

The exception is this. I knew Spanish in California. We spoke a hybrid Spanish-English-Vietnamese. I took two years of Spanish (1001, 1002) in NY and had an instructor that taught it like we were in Spanish 2002 and passed me because he was retiring. Spanish 2001 to me is like learning how to perfect the English language (IS THAT POSSIBLE?) and I really like it. Yes I am learning, I am learning how to do Spanish correctly! I take that as the exception because I am looking for things in this class that can make me more proficient in the subject and because of that I am learning. And because of that I have learned that to more forward then sometimes you have to move backwards. Would you believe that my Dianne Hacker writing handbook is my best friend in Spanish?

So, what should I tell my instructor in Psych about what I have learned and the adjustment I have had to go through? Here is my plan. I am going to open it with the fact that I have learned how to forgive. This might only make sense to NYPINTA. Why her? Because she knows my mother and she knows that my mother is the one that should do the forgiving but the reality is that I have to forgive my mother for being (a four star word) engulfed with her problems and how they adversely affected me over the years (say nothing about the 9 years she didn't speak to me because I had the audacity to make her a grandmother). I had to learn how to forgive God for taking important people away from me. People like John Blackmore, people like my history teacher (Dr. Gary Lavine) in the middle of a semester at Columbia Greene, my grandmother (whose death forced me back in contact with my mother), pets, and to forgive him for his blind sidedness when it comes to me and my love life. How sacrilegious is that? I have to tell (not only the teacher but I have to post the paper online for the ENTIRE CLASS) people that have been raised Southern Baptist that I have learnt how to forgive GOD? I am going to get flogged with bibles and whatnot. But it is true. That has been the biggest thing that I have learned and am learning.

That is like three pages of my five page paper. Forgiveness and crediting the instructor that pointed it out to me. Ok, backing up to the paragraph that contains Cymbalta. On the recorder I was talking about why I started to blog and why I stopped blogging for awhile and then started back up blogging. But it is now 10:04 p.m. and I have taken a Xanax and I am tired. My nerves are shot. I had a midterm today and because of my test anxiety I have had to take two pills today. But, my anxiety is not like it normally is. I took one about an hour before the test so that I could head off the panic attack and then I took one about seven tonight when I was thinking about the exams and about the situation with my cousin's kids that I promised not to bring up again. I have also smoked one cig less then a full pack. I need to quit that habit. I hate smoking.

Notes for future blogs:

Smoking, talked to Betty today and she updated me on Carolyn's cancer, texting with my sister and all that a post about Christina, update on Molly and her school situation, post the pictures of the pecans, pecan brittle, and taking the 4 kids to the fair.

Nighty night!