wedding frustrations

Song of the day: March of the Penguins (no really, was that a song?)

Quote of the day: Drama.... I can't take it.

I want to get married on April 1 because that is our anniversary. I have been voted out by everyone with the thought it would be a mockery of marriage. No really. They don't get me. Why is it a mockery? Because I am a wise ass. I can't help it. I have always done April Fools pranks and I am not going to stop at 39. But that don't mean I am thinking of Marriage in derogatory terms. April 1 fits my personality. And NO ONE would forget that date.

He thinks 11.11.11 would work because he would never forget the date. Hmmm. 4.1.11 sounds better. More information that way. Bwahahaha.

Any date Ideas?

Moving on to the next marriage conundrum. Location. First my want. I want to get married at Bush stadium in St Louis at a Cardinals game. If I were rich I could even get an entire baseball theme going there. IT WOULD BE AWESOME. Mini body shutter.

He thinks we should get married here in our little church with our great congregation and have Brother Fred marry us. And I have no problem with that. Other than my infantile urge to be me. And me is baseball. And me is funny.

If we get married in upstate NY then my old and tried and true friends can all be apart of it. I don't know why, I never got invited to a single one of their weddings... but... I waited. This is not wedding 2 or 5 or 8 for me. I waited until it was right. Until my heart said I could not live without this man in my existence. And what a great feeling that is. So, yes, I would like to share it with the one true set of people I loved and still love.

Problem is then Mom would be involved. And I love her, she is my mother. But I don't know if I love her enough to have her come to my wedding. I am still mad at the 8 year absence from my life. I am still angry with her telling me when I was preg with Amanda that I should have an adoption because she didn't want to be a grandmother at 44. I am still mad that she didn't talk to me until my grandmother died because I had the audacity to have a child. You know what? I was 27. It was my choice and I don't regret a thing about Amanda.

So, mom is a big problem. I am crying as I write. Every little girl secretly wants their mom's approval. And I do want my mom there I just don't want her to be so mean. She won't talk to me again now that she knows we are going to get married. She is probably afraid I am going to expect them to buy the dress. Well... I am the first child and this is MY first wedding. But no, I wouldn't ask her for a pot to piss in.

Other options? I am taking suggestions. Seeing I won't get my way no matter what I do. Someone will be mad.

Then there is the whole cost thing in general. I got the ring on Black Friday. I have been looking. We really don't have the money to get married. We are living paycheck to paycheck and he is the only one working. He makes about 60K a year to take care of this and this tiny house.

This house is hell. This house is punishment for something I did somewhere in my life that was so awful. And I don't know what. It is so small I can't keep it clean because there is no where to put anything. I am terrorized by the water moccasins that infest the creek and scared to death one of my kids are going to get dead by one. My neighbors an ass that lets his fucking dog run loose and knock me and my kids down. We cant sell it because the market now is for the house not the land and the people that are looking at the house want to buy the house for the value of the house and throw the 7 acres in for free. We owe big money on this shitbox. He tells me to look at homes. I grew up in a really big house. I looked and fell in love with a home we will never be able to afford (unless by an act of the Lords's Kindness).

So we are stuck. I am in hell. Mentally because of the cost of things, the size of this house, and the snakes. Not being able to find work really don't help. I do want to get married. I just don't think it will happen this year.