Self purge
Everytime I look in the mirror; I fear I am going to have a premature death. I have to complete my destiny and my destiny is not to die young. I have a greater responsibility to my daughter then I have to toxins.
Saying that, I will tell you now where I am going with this. I've read a few pieces on some substances I am putting in my body on a daily basis. The purge is going to be sudden and not subtle. I am going to quit cold turkey my coffee drinking (not really cold turkey, I've been weening myself for about a year now, down to 2 cups a day) but the coffee triggers me to use Equal and the Aspatarine (sp) in Equal and diet drinks is very very bad. So, ousted tomorrow is coffee.
I am not ridding myself of caffine. That is a fix I need and have no idea how to conquor. I have been gradully replacing coffee for tea and sweetening the tea with honey instead of Equal. But it has been Herbal teas that are naturally caffine free. So, maybe I can confuse myself enough. LOL. Right. Mind over matter.
I can lie a thousand times over and say I quit smoking, which I never did. That is a habbit I havn't purged. My body tells a different story. You can lie to anyone but yourself. I want to believe in myself. So, I have been working very dilligently on the smoking. I've got it down to less then a half a pack a day and tomorrow I will not light up.
I want to be able to say I am a quitter and be proud. I can do it. I want to do it. I will do it. I've overcome worse obsticals in my life.
I ask my fellow bloggers to bear with me. I ask my fellow bloggers to not be offended by me if I wig out for awhile. I know I will go through DT's. I've done that before. But I'd rather have DT's then a cigarette.
I want to live. I've got a few books to get out and published before I die. I have a child I want to raise and raise right. I have a life that I've been putting on hold, that I need to live.
I was doing so good before Brian walked into my life. I just need and more importantly WANT to make peace with myself for my mistakes. I want to be able to forgive myself for my poor judgement. No, self torture is not my forgivness, but it will put me back into perspective of where I was before Brian and his bullshit.
And speaking of the bastard, the hero returns on July 7-13th of this year. I don't know why all the sudden he feels the need to be a father. I hate what it does to my daughter. She don't understand. I don't know how to explain. Or is it, I don't want to explain. She deserves better! I will give her better.
Tomorrow is complete purge day one.
Oh and one more note... GRRRRRRR. We are getting the tail edges of the hurricane/tropical depression that just came up the gulf. sooooo u know what that means? RAIN RAIN, bloody fucking thunderstorms, and tonight potential tornado watches.... UGH...
Saying that, I will tell you now where I am going with this. I've read a few pieces on some substances I am putting in my body on a daily basis. The purge is going to be sudden and not subtle. I am going to quit cold turkey my coffee drinking (not really cold turkey, I've been weening myself for about a year now, down to 2 cups a day) but the coffee triggers me to use Equal and the Aspatarine (sp) in Equal and diet drinks is very very bad. So, ousted tomorrow is coffee.
I am not ridding myself of caffine. That is a fix I need and have no idea how to conquor. I have been gradully replacing coffee for tea and sweetening the tea with honey instead of Equal. But it has been Herbal teas that are naturally caffine free. So, maybe I can confuse myself enough. LOL. Right. Mind over matter.
I can lie a thousand times over and say I quit smoking, which I never did. That is a habbit I havn't purged. My body tells a different story. You can lie to anyone but yourself. I want to believe in myself. So, I have been working very dilligently on the smoking. I've got it down to less then a half a pack a day and tomorrow I will not light up.
I want to be able to say I am a quitter and be proud. I can do it. I want to do it. I will do it. I've overcome worse obsticals in my life.
I ask my fellow bloggers to bear with me. I ask my fellow bloggers to not be offended by me if I wig out for awhile. I know I will go through DT's. I've done that before. But I'd rather have DT's then a cigarette.
I want to live. I've got a few books to get out and published before I die. I have a child I want to raise and raise right. I have a life that I've been putting on hold, that I need to live.
I was doing so good before Brian walked into my life. I just need and more importantly WANT to make peace with myself for my mistakes. I want to be able to forgive myself for my poor judgement. No, self torture is not my forgivness, but it will put me back into perspective of where I was before Brian and his bullshit.
And speaking of the bastard, the hero returns on July 7-13th of this year. I don't know why all the sudden he feels the need to be a father. I hate what it does to my daughter. She don't understand. I don't know how to explain. Or is it, I don't want to explain. She deserves better! I will give her better.
Tomorrow is complete purge day one.
Oh and one more note... GRRRRRRR. We are getting the tail edges of the hurricane/tropical depression that just came up the gulf. sooooo u know what that means? RAIN RAIN, bloody fucking thunderstorms, and tonight potential tornado watches.... UGH...
posted by Jenn at 9:34 AM
3 Comments:
Hey, go easy. *hugs* It's only rain, it's only caffeine, it's only sugar and spice! ;)
You have your daughter, your horses, and Georgia skies. Try to stop blaming yourself for what's gone wrong before. If you feel you need to recover and clean up from a trip and fall into what feels like the gutter, then give yourself that time, but don't beat yourself up about it. Do it with care.
:o)
I used to drink crazy amounts of coffee per day, but now its down to one in the morning - its not that tough. If you don't want the aspartame, why not just have one or two cups a day with sugar - won't hurt. The reason I say that is because, as I'm sure you know, quitting smoking is a hell of a lot harder and you may need some other comforts to smooth the ride. I smoked for many, many years before I quit. Its tough but it gets easier day by day. Good luck with it, and use us for support if it helps.
More rain! At least Arlene fizzled out before making land. Hey - we had an earthquake this morning! Okay, it was pretty small, but still.
Smoking, IMO it's like a big safe and the key to quiting is finding your own combination.
For me, that awful tastes like cardboard sprinkled with pepper gum worked.
Everyone is different.
Going cold turkey is TOUGH! I tried it a few times, and when you break down and have one you feel like such a loser! But, the thing is, even if you slip and have one, you can... well, forgive yourself.. and continue with the quitting. (I made that mistake a few times. Broke down and had one and figured, "Well, that didn't work" and went back to smoking.)
Like the commercial says, 'quitting takes time.'
Good luck!
Post a Comment
<< Home