Insane Blathering on's about my mom's insanity - LONG
Mood today - Somber
Thought of the day? - If life gives you a bowel of cherries, throw the fuckers out, they are just full of pits.
Song- ANY CD I have been able to find that is hard and heavy and loud.
I happened to call my best friend last night, well, ok, my only friend and ask her a favor. Only to realize the thought of what I was asking her to do; potentially terrified her as much as it did me. I may be wrong. She might just be cold and heartless and unwilling to help me. Or perhaps she was just thinking "No Thank You, I really don’t want to get involved again." And the topic swiftly was manipulated by her onto some movies and other things.
On the thought of her, (name changed for privacy sake) her mom Gep, had made the comment to me a few years ago about how I raised my mother. And regretfully, Gep was correct. Which oddly occurred to me today as I was cooking supper. I did a piss poor job raising my mother; what the fuck am I doing raising a child? And on the topic of the most worthless person in the universe (my mother) I need to say this... She was the all mighty great white hunter. Or... shepherd would be a more appropriate term. She would take in any wounded animal or person. She would love anyone and manipulate everyone to like her and think she was way cool.
Nothing horrified me more then when one of the Jen’s started coming to our apartment in Oakbrook to make my mom coffee and breakfast in the mornings before school. Then Tommy got in on the MOM kick and came over in the mornings to walk my dog before school so I could help Jen attend to mom. You know. Make sure she got up and was going to go to work before I went to school. Blah blah blah. And ALL I ever heard from those two was how cool my mom .. this or that... Granted my home life was a slight bit more liberated then theirs. Jen had a divorce going on between her parents and having a fucked up little brother; I can only imagine my single mom with no dad any where in tow, probably was sanity to her. Tom had to deal with a mom that worked all the time, a sibling or two and an abusive father. But I think he came over (and at all odd hours) partially because his father trusted my mom (eek) and partially to get away from 5-6 people living in a 3 bedroom apartment.
But they failed to recognize that there was no sanity at my home. They were never there when there was no food or milk. But there was always Kool-aid, often though no sugar but powered sugar. FOR THE RECORD... if you make Kool-aid with powered sugar... it gives you this really fucked up sugar high. Ask PInTA about that one. They also never saw the bruises on my body from random beatings. They were not there to hold mom’s head up because she was puking her brains out from being so drunk. They never saw her so high she passed out. They didn’t have to deal with the endless men that paraded into the house to fuck her. And the insane blathering from her mouth. It is a wonder she could hold a job say nothing about holding 2 or 3 at one time. Did she save her insanity for me?
I got the high honor of balancing her check book and paying the bill’s. I was the master forger of her signature. *SIGH* I got blamed when grandma collapsed. I came home from school and found g’ma passed out on the floor and moaning in pain. I did what I was taught to do my entire LIFE. I called 911. They would be like 45 minutes before they could come to the house. I called my cousin G and C and the guy I was dating at the time M. Between the 4 of us we got her in the car and to the hospital. Where she was diagnosed with having her appendix rupture. I called mom from the hospital (she worked right there in Albany) and told her what was going on and where we were so on and so forth. She got to the ER and beat the crap out of me in front of like 200 people (who did nothing) because I didn’t call her first. So, there are some memories of my life with my mom.
Now, why I called my best friend. I got a phone call yesterday from one of my aunt’s telling me her daughter and grand children just moved into my mom’s house. blah blah blah. MY MOM will take in 3 people, BUT left me alone and stranded when I got the fucking shit beat out of me by my daughters father. When my car dealership closed, did my mother offer to let me come home until I could find another job? No. She said. Her exact words.. "I think we are good friends, and I don’t want to ruin that by having you and a baby live with me" Well she said that before the baby was born and when she called to harass me for some reason or another and I being stupid told her what B did to me and how I was going to look for another apartment and not tell him.
I genuinely do care about the relatives that moved in with mom. Considering the last set of relatives to move in with her had a shotgun aimed at them; in Lu of one of mom’s irrational mental fart’s. I asked my friend to call mom’s and have the relative call me. To which she (the friend) promply pushed the buck on someone else and changed the subject (forgiven).
It is a trap damn it. If I call. It will start mom harassing me all over again. If I call, I will be starting something. THAT is how my mom thinks. So, I can’t call. I won’t call. With my luck mom will have advanced with the age and gotten caller ID then she’d have my damn phone number! Fuck, I don’t even have my phone number. Blog on that for tomorrow.
Thought of the day? - If life gives you a bowel of cherries, throw the fuckers out, they are just full of pits.
Song- ANY CD I have been able to find that is hard and heavy and loud.
I happened to call my best friend last night, well, ok, my only friend and ask her a favor. Only to realize the thought of what I was asking her to do; potentially terrified her as much as it did me. I may be wrong. She might just be cold and heartless and unwilling to help me. Or perhaps she was just thinking "No Thank You, I really don’t want to get involved again." And the topic swiftly was manipulated by her onto some movies and other things.
On the thought of her, (name changed for privacy sake) her mom Gep, had made the comment to me a few years ago about how I raised my mother. And regretfully, Gep was correct. Which oddly occurred to me today as I was cooking supper. I did a piss poor job raising my mother; what the fuck am I doing raising a child? And on the topic of the most worthless person in the universe (my mother) I need to say this... She was the all mighty great white hunter. Or... shepherd would be a more appropriate term. She would take in any wounded animal or person. She would love anyone and manipulate everyone to like her and think she was way cool.
Nothing horrified me more then when one of the Jen’s started coming to our apartment in Oakbrook to make my mom coffee and breakfast in the mornings before school. Then Tommy got in on the MOM kick and came over in the mornings to walk my dog before school so I could help Jen attend to mom. You know. Make sure she got up and was going to go to work before I went to school. Blah blah blah. And ALL I ever heard from those two was how cool my mom .. this or that... Granted my home life was a slight bit more liberated then theirs. Jen had a divorce going on between her parents and having a fucked up little brother; I can only imagine my single mom with no dad any where in tow, probably was sanity to her. Tom had to deal with a mom that worked all the time, a sibling or two and an abusive father. But I think he came over (and at all odd hours) partially because his father trusted my mom (eek) and partially to get away from 5-6 people living in a 3 bedroom apartment.
But they failed to recognize that there was no sanity at my home. They were never there when there was no food or milk. But there was always Kool-aid, often though no sugar but powered sugar. FOR THE RECORD... if you make Kool-aid with powered sugar... it gives you this really fucked up sugar high. Ask PInTA about that one. They also never saw the bruises on my body from random beatings. They were not there to hold mom’s head up because she was puking her brains out from being so drunk. They never saw her so high she passed out. They didn’t have to deal with the endless men that paraded into the house to fuck her. And the insane blathering from her mouth. It is a wonder she could hold a job say nothing about holding 2 or 3 at one time. Did she save her insanity for me?
I got the high honor of balancing her check book and paying the bill’s. I was the master forger of her signature. *SIGH* I got blamed when grandma collapsed. I came home from school and found g’ma passed out on the floor and moaning in pain. I did what I was taught to do my entire LIFE. I called 911. They would be like 45 minutes before they could come to the house. I called my cousin G and C and the guy I was dating at the time M. Between the 4 of us we got her in the car and to the hospital. Where she was diagnosed with having her appendix rupture. I called mom from the hospital (she worked right there in Albany) and told her what was going on and where we were so on and so forth. She got to the ER and beat the crap out of me in front of like 200 people (who did nothing) because I didn’t call her first. So, there are some memories of my life with my mom.
Now, why I called my best friend. I got a phone call yesterday from one of my aunt’s telling me her daughter and grand children just moved into my mom’s house. blah blah blah. MY MOM will take in 3 people, BUT left me alone and stranded when I got the fucking shit beat out of me by my daughters father. When my car dealership closed, did my mother offer to let me come home until I could find another job? No. She said. Her exact words.. "I think we are good friends, and I don’t want to ruin that by having you and a baby live with me" Well she said that before the baby was born and when she called to harass me for some reason or another and I being stupid told her what B did to me and how I was going to look for another apartment and not tell him.
I genuinely do care about the relatives that moved in with mom. Considering the last set of relatives to move in with her had a shotgun aimed at them; in Lu of one of mom’s irrational mental fart’s. I asked my friend to call mom’s and have the relative call me. To which she (the friend) promply pushed the buck on someone else and changed the subject (forgiven).
It is a trap damn it. If I call. It will start mom harassing me all over again. If I call, I will be starting something. THAT is how my mom thinks. So, I can’t call. I won’t call. With my luck mom will have advanced with the age and gotten caller ID then she’d have my damn phone number! Fuck, I don’t even have my phone number. Blog on that for tomorrow.
posted by Jenn at 5:29 PM
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